... whether or not you'd like to end up looking like this guy, is in the eyes of the Confucius Institute, entirely optional.

Fun with Wikipedia

This just in -- Jewish settlers in the West Bank are shitting more than their Arab neighbours.

Below: The 1911 edition of the Encyclopaedia Britannica wonders if the famously hospitable Arab people will welcome the appearance of non-Muslim immigrants.

Wikipedia on orangutans

Who says most rapes go unreported? Here's an unfortunate ape getting tattled on by a cook and Julia Roberts.

Men have affairs, women have relationships

From the online encyclopedia of record we have the break-down of the infidelities of two media darlings in the first decade of the 21st century, Tiger Woods and Lara Logan. Tiger has "affairs", and a girlfriend undertakes "media interviews" in which she threatens to publish nude photos of him in case of a break-up. Lara Logan has a "relationship with another journalist", and is reduced to "tabloid fodder".

Freedom is not free, if invading a south-east Asian country is a condition of said freedom.

Front plate

Mainstream Edmonton idolizes the military -- in comparison to my hometown of Vancouver, which usually prefers to vandalize it. The patriotism here inspired this design.

Matt Hughes

9 time welterweight champion

Jewish history

Tired of rough treatment at the hands of the inappropriately named 'Gentiles', thousands of European Jews would migrate to Israel beginning in the late 19th Century in a movement known as Zionism. Prominent Zionists such as Eliezer Ben-Yehuda (pictured), and others decided that the new Jewish homeland would speak Hebrew as an official language, in spite of the fact that it had spent nearly two thousand years as a dead tongue. They needed only thirty years to establish and disseminate Hebrew, in a triumph for literacy.

Pic

Matt Hughes brings his family and Chuck Liddell to Disneyland

Short 5

this short screenplay is available as an ms word file with standard formatting.

FADE IN:

EXT. NEW YORK'S LITTLE ITALY - NIGHT

Teeming streets and alleyways. Clothes hang from lines strung between buildings.

CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Wall to wall carpeting and leather furniture pointed at the TV set.

A young Italian boy sits with his nose inches from the screen.

JOE (V.O.)
My name is Joe Valentino. I grew up in the Bronx
on Arthur Street and East 187 Street, the heart of
Little Italy.

INSERT - TV SCREEN

A redoubtable BOND VILLAIN glowers ironically at an international spy, strapped to a moving conveyor.

High walls and domed ceiling of an evil factory.

VILLAIN
So Mr Pond, I suppose you thought your death would
be quick and painless. The laser will make short
work of you, but not before you learn backstory
and motivation that we all worked hard on.

The villain lays himself down on a leather sofa and stares at the ceiling.

VILLAIN
It all began in a small village in Bulgaria when I was born.
No one knows what the date was exactly, which always
hurt my feelings. My birth certificate was burned by
my father, who did not love me, and I'll bet you
can guess how I reacted to that.

Mr. Pond rolls his eyes.

VILLAIN
On my first day at school, the Romanians burned
it down. So I went to the school in the Romanian village
dressed as a girl. In retrospect, the disguise was
probably not necessary.

Mr. Pond does a wriggling gallop the rest of the way down the belt, flips himself on his head, and is sliced down the middle by the laser in a second.

BACK TO SCENE.

INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

1960s working class, religious, clean.

JOE
(v.o.)
I had one brother and one sister, who was
married. Me and Arturo lived with our mama
and papa.

The family is seated at dinner.

JOE
(v.o.)
That night we had a fennel risotto. I sauteed
the onions, though I could have made all of it.
The entree was spaghetti and red sauce...

A steaming bowl of spaghetti is placed on the table.

JOE
(cont'd)

My father and brother usually started arguing

as soon as they found themselves in the same
room. Tonight I thought we were going to
make it all the way through dinner when...

Papa gestures at Arturo with his fork.

PAPA
Why you hang around with those guys at the club?
Why don't you help me tomorrow morning at the
bakery?

ARTURO
Wake up at two in the morning to bake bread?
What am I, a peasant?

PAPA
I'm an American.

ARTURO
America has its own slaves.

PAPA
What you gonna do for money? All you do is hang out
with your goombah friends and get arrested.

ARTURO
Eat your spaghetti big mouth!

PAPA
After you, I insist!

Papa grabs a handful of spaghetti and throws it at Arturo. The latter throws some back and noodles are soon flying everywhere.

In the commotion someone BANGS into a cabinet, on top of which stands a statuette of Jesus with his arms outstretched. The statue falls off.

CUT TO:

P.O.V. Statue

Flying through a maelstrom of spaghetti while "Flight of the Valkyries" plays.

BACK TO SCENE.

It KNOCKS over a candle and the table catches FIRE. The statuette lands on the table and BOUNCES upright on its stand.

Overhead sprinklers TURN ON.

A truce at last while everyone blinks through the pasta, soaking wet. Joe pulls a noodle from his ear.

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT

Arturo is thrown out by his father. The door SLAMS SHUT. Arturo gets up and faces the door.

ARTURO
Fucka you!

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

Joe lies awake.

JOE
(v.o.)
We should be so lucky if Arturo was our only
problem. My sister Maria lived next door with her
husband. They had been married four months, but
looking back now, I suppose two had not exactly
become one.

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT

A door. Muffled, plaintive male VOICE off-screen.

Silence.

Then A SCREAM from MARIA.

MARIA'S HUSBAND marches brusquely out and buttons his shirt.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

Maria's husband and Papa share some schnapps.

PAPA
Don't worry Paolo, she come around.

PAOLO
She not gonna come.

PAPA
What?

PAOLO
You know what I mean.

Pause.

PAPA
No, not really.

CUT TO:

INT. JOE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

JOE (V.O.)
I was wide awake that night, so my mother came in
to see if she could get me to go to sleep.

The door opens.

JOE (V.O.)
I can imagine other kids' parents when they
tucked them in at night.

CUT TO:

INT. SUBURBAN BEDROOM - NIGHT

A Norman Rockwell scene. An old Elm is dappled with moonlight just outside the open wood-frame windows.

An RED-HEADED KID sits propped against his pillows while his SINGING MOTHER completes the last verse of Brahms' Lullaby.

JOE
(v.o.)
Of course we have our own traditions.

CUT TO:

INT. JOE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Mama SINGS a choral verse from Mozart's 'Requiem Mass', the high-powered 'Lacrimosa'.

CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT

A mess. One floor down from Joe. A fat guy wearing a WIFE-BEATER BANGS the ceiling with a broom handle.

WIFE-BEATER
Shut the fuck up! Buncha wops.

CUT TO:

EXT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT

A line waits to get into a dive.

CUT TO:

INT. NIGHTCLUB OFFICE - NIGHT

Seedy. Bass REVERBRATES through the walls. A rogue's gallery of three GANGSTERS, including Arturo, surround an ITALIAN CHEF, tied to a chair.

ARTURO
Tell me something Luigi, have you ever had
one hundred and twenty volts passed through
your gonads?

LUIGI

You were an alterboy too?

He is taken aback.

ARTURO
No! I mean, I was but... Father Michael's
not like other guys.

He trails off and looks at a wall, totally abstracted from his line of questioning. His eyes grow wider.

Arturo's FLUNKY takes over for him.

FLUNKY
Here's the deal. You pay us for the mozzarella
debt or else you won't have wait til Christmas to
smell roasted nuts.

LUIGI
I cannot! All the money we spent on cheese.

Arturo cuts a lamp cord with a pocket knife.

ARTURO

That is most unfortunate. You leave me no
choice.

CUT TO:

INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT

Pitiable HOWLING and ELECTRIC ARC sounds from inside the office.

The lights DIM.

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

Papa sits on the bed taking his watch off while Mama reads and listens to OPERA set to low-volume on a tinny bedtable radio.

PAPA
What a night.

Pause.

PAPA
How many years we've been married?

Mama lowers her book down gives him a look.

PAPA
Twenty four years, and no problems like Maria
and Paolo.

She sets the book aside and takes off her reading glasses.

MAMA
It's true.

PAPA
And you know why? We take care of each other.

He massages her arm.

PAPA
Watch how I do.

She laughs and pulls her arm away.

MAMA
No!

He takes her hand.

PAPA
(singing)
When the moon hits your eye like a
big pizza pie...

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

Paolo, fully clothed, lies awake next to Maria.

PAPA (O.S.)
... that's amore!

More O.S. BANGING from one floor down.

PAPA (O.S.)
When the sperm hit your face, like all over
the place, that's amore!

A squeal of LAUGHTER from O.S., then silence.

Paolo summons his courage.

PAOLO
When-

The door BURSTS open to reveal the tenant from one floor down. He holds a shotgun.

WIFE BEATER
Wops!

Paolo hops out of bed to face the intruder.

PAOLO
I not a wop, I Talian!

The wifebeater starts SHOOTING.

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT

Papa comes running out of his apartment with a rifle as Wife-beater exits Paolo's apartment. They exchange FIRE.

CUT TO:

INT. VALENTINO MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT

Mama dials the phone, distraught.

CUT TO:

INT. CLUB OFFICE - NIGHT

The phone RINGS. Arturo PICKS it up.

ARTURO
Hello?

He listens for a moment.

ARTURO
I'll be right there.

He HANGS UP and turns to his crew.

ARTURO
Cut him loose and get in the car, fast.

CUT TO:

EXT. TENEMENT BLOCK - NIGHT

Arturo's car SQUEALS to a halt outside the building. Everyone piles out and rushes inside.

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT

Papa and Wife-beater exchange SHOTS down the length of the hallway, both using opened doors as cover.

Arturo and his two friends catch up with Papa. Arturo motions for his friends to flank the shooter in an intersecting hallway while he stays with his dad.

The gangsters open FIRE on Wife-beater's right side.

CUT TO:

EXT. TENEMENT BLOCK - NIGHT

A police marked car PULLS UP next to Arturo's car.

The fourth floor windows are lit up from GUN-FIRE. The patrol car PULLS AWAY.

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT

Wife-beater is downed by the flanking FIRE.

ARTURO
Papa, are you alright?

Papa nods, then points towards Maria's apartment.

CUT TO:

INT. MARIA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Paolo lays in the middle of the floor, dead.

MARIA
Oh, Paolo!

Tragic violin MUSIC.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

INT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY

A solemn wake for Paolo. Dark paint and simple pews accentuate a conservative atmosphere.

Papa, Arturo, and Flunky congregate near the catering tables. Luigi cuts the roast pork.

PAPA
I thank you boys for helping an old man
last night.

FLUNKY
Anything to help out Mr. Valentino

PAPA
Why don't we get something to eat?

The group moves to get plates. Joe scoops up vegetables and rice from a container. He turns to Luigi.

JOE
How come the rice is opaque? I'll bet it
says translucent in your cookbook.

PAPA
Listen to this one.

JOE
And there's too much cheese on the peetz. Do you
know what that costs?

ARTURO
He knows the price of cheese better than anyone.

A general LAUGH.

PAPA
All this time I waited on Arturo to come work
for me at the bakery when Joe was right
in front of me. My son, how would you like
to work a few hours after school tomorrow?

CUT TO:

INT. BAKERY - DAY

Busy, harmonious.

JOE
(v.o.)
So that's how it happened. Papa gave me a
wage on top of my allowance and by the time
I was sixteen, I had enough money for my first
car. When Luigi's restaurant went bust my father
took him in like a son, and he worked out great,
although he never forgave Arturo. One day my
older brother came in to pick up some bread
and say hello to Papa. By chance Luigi was
working the counter.

Arturo approaches the counter.

LUIGI
Can I help you?

ARTURO
I was just wondering what you put on the Danishes.
Wal-nuts or your nuts?

LUIGI
Why don't you get out of here?

ARTURO
I think I heard the bell ring on your easy-bake
oven sweetheart. While you're back there, tell my
father I'm here.

LUIGI
Fucka you!

Arturo pulls him over the counter and the two men exchange BLOWS while sprawled on the ground.

Close-Up on Jesus Crucified, hanging from a slender gold chain against a black cloth shirt and coat.

An old PRIEST ZAPS both men in turn with a cane that doubles as a cattle stick.

ARTURO
Father Michaels!

FR. MICHAELS
Both of you lads had better cut along to
my office before I get really cross.

ARTURO AND LUIGI
Yes, sir.

FR. MICHAELS
Luigi, take with you some wine, a rolling
pin, and two hundred dollars in petty cash.
I have the feeling it's going to be one hell of
a night.

Arturo exits into a waiting limo while Fr. Michaels holds the door open.

Luigi exits after a moment and Fr. Michaels takes up the rear. A CENSOR BLEEP is heard as the last man exits.

FADE OUT.

Jennifer Anderson

Castaways - Liar Liar

A gem. Enjoy

Jessica Simpson

Is the cover girl in the August Maxim. In case they take down the page, I've taken the liberty of drawing the mademoiselle in a bustier no doubt selected by Joe Simpson.

No japery today

Woman convicted of adultery under Sharia law executed by stoning

Zarqawi is dead

"Arabs, you were once as proud as the stars.

But now, the snake of apathy slithers through

the night to assasinate your dawn"

-Abu Mus'ab al-Zarqawi

Drunk dream

Short3

*this short is available as an MS Word file with standard formatting

FADE IN:

INT. STUDIO - NIGHT

Female news ANCHOR.

ANCHOR

The city of Windsor lost its final remaining neuro-surgeon
today, as Dr. Unkar Singh left his practice at Windsor Memorial
to pursue higher-paying opportunities in the United States.
Our correspondent, Stephen Jones, has the reaction from
patients and the public.

CUT TO:

INT. HOSPITAL - DAY

STEPHEN starts his interview with a SMOKING PATIENT, slumped over in his chair.

STEPHEN
How do you feel about Dr. Singh moving to the U.S.?

SMOKER
Not much.

Stephen thinks for a moment.

STEPHEN
Do you have anything to add?

SMOKER
Who's the genius that gave us socialist healthcare?

STEPHEN
That would be former Prime Minister Tommy Douglas,
voted the Greatest Canadian of All-Time last
year in a CBC poll.

SMOKER
Oh.
(After a pause)
Fuck him.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOSPITAL SIDEWALK - DAY

Stephen walks toward the camera. A few patients wander around.

STEPHEN
Many questions were raised today for patients
scheduled in Dr. Singh's surgery. Who will perform the
essential operations, with Toronto hospitals stretched to
overflowing, and no one at hand to deliver urgently
needed care?

A middle-aged patient nearby collapses. His IV stand and fluid bag crash on top of him.

CUT TO:

INT. CAR - DAY

Stephen drives somewhere with a CANCER PATIENT from the hospital. A golf-ball sized tumor sits atop his head. He still wears his dressing gown. He looks blue-collar.

STEPHEN (v.o.)
That's when Randy McNewell decided to look for
help elsewhere in Windsor, from the only people
still willing to cut his head open and remove the
malignant growth.

CUT TO:

INSERT - TV SCREEN

An old 50s horror movie.

ZOMBIE
Brains!

CUT TO:

INT. CAR - DAY

Still driving.

STEPHEN
I took Randy to the local cemetery in his search
for a member of the undead to come
through where the medical profession had
failed him.

CUT TO:

EXT. CEMETERY GROUNDS - DAY

Randy and Stephen walk slowly. There's a lot of people around.

STEPHEN
(v.o.)
We weren't the only ones there that day.

Orderlies toss aside shovels as they finish digging a pit. A FRAIL PATIENT approaches an ORDERLY at the edge of the pit.

FRAILTY
What's going on?

ORDERLY
Look, a sea-gull.

The orderly points vaguely at the skyline. The patient doesn't look where he points, merely stares sadly at him, then gets pushed into the pit.

A shovel flies up from the pit, turning end over end, then clatters back down from whence it came.

STEPHEN (v.o.)
Then were plenty of people from the hospital,
but we didn't succeed in finding zombies. Randy
said we should look elsewhere.

CUT TO:

INT. CAR - DAY

STEPHEN
(v.o.)
On our way to a heavy-metal concert, we passed
skid row when he asked me to stop.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET CORNER - DAY

A HOMELESS MAN sits propped up against a liquor store. Randy and Stephen look at him. Randy isn't sure about it.

RANDY
Let's give it a shot.

CUT TO:

INT. JAIL CELL - DAY

Policemen watch the strange operation.

STEPHEN
(v.o.)
With a bit of help from the police, we were ready.

Randy stands in the middle of a jail-cell, bent over at the waist, with a lamp-shade on his head. Only the tumor protrudes.

The homeless guy/zombie? is chained to the wall, a DEPUTY on the other side of the wall slowly pays out slack as directed by his supervisor.

STATION CHIEF
Easy... slowly...

ZOMBIE
Brains!

The zombie bolts, suddenly powerful, and clears the distance between himself and Randy in a flash. After a struggle, Randy shoves him off and falls back, missing a portion of his head.

Randy staggers toward waiting constables, who charge past him to tackle the zombie and knock Randy over. Paramedics pick him up and carry him out the door.

CUT TO:

EXT. CEMETERY PARKING LOT - DAY

A wailing ambulance screeches to a stop. A stretcher containing Randy fires out from the back doors.

Randy sits up and realizes where he is.

RANDY
You fucking assholes!

He jumps off the stretcher and runs to the ambulance's driver-side door. He throws out the driver and climbs in. The ambulance takes off.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOSPITAL - DAY

Stephen helps Randy inside the emergency ward.

FADE TO BLACK.

FADE IN

INT. STUDIO - NIGHT

Randy sits between the news anchor and Stephen at the desk. His head is wrapped with bandage.

ANCHOR
How do you feel, Randy?

RANDY
Okay. The zombie got the tumor, but
took most of my frontal lobe with it.

ANCHOR
Can you tell us what that means for your
physical health?

RANDY
That part of the brain controls things like violent
restraint, reason, and compassion. I am also no longer
able to abandon a course of action once I have
started it.

ANCHOR
What does the future hold for Randy McNewell?

RANDY
Well I've just been discharged from the hospital
and now I'm going home. I think I'll check and see
if my kid remembered to cut the lawn.

The anchor and Stephen share a laugh.

ANCHOR
You'll sleep well tonight.

FADE OUT.

Iranian President Launches Newspaper

The Fightin' Walkers

Play-by-play of a good throw-down

Carroll and Danielle Walker, Vanderhoof, B.C.

9:01 A.M. - Ranch owner Carroll Walker attempts to administer an anti-biotic shot to bull in field, daughter Danielle (16), watches nearby

9:01 - After reflection, bull decides he would not like a shot, attacks Carroll and pins him to the ground

9:02 - Danielle Walker charges at bull, loses flip-flops, brings fists

9:04 - Bull is getting punched repeatedly in face by Danielle

9:07 - Bull retreats to herd. Explains Danielle: "Finally he buggers off. I says to the bull, fack off why don't ya, come back when you're worth a shite"

9:09 Mother Sylvania Walker arrives on scene, asks "Did you punch my bull?"

Danielle: "Supposin' I did"
Sylvania: "You might've blown the whistle, they don't like the whistle"
D: "I might've danced the jitterbug too, but what I done, is beat his head"
S: "I'll teach you to punch cattle ya fuckin' heifer"

9:13 Still fighting

9:15 Truce declared over whiskey-soda

9:17 Father has too much to drink, uses f-word with general reference to mother

9:18 Father sleeps in cow pasture from composite effects of strong drink and head trauma. Mother inoculates bull with anti-biotic

9:30 Chores finished

Return of Chef

Tom Crooze has allegedly blocked re-runs of 'Trapped in the Closet', the infamous South Park episode wherein Matt and Trey launched a blistering diatribe against scientology, that some claim (don't look at me) went beyond satire. They lost singer/actor Isaac Hayes (voice of Chef) into the bargain.

Fast forward to the season 10 premiere, in which "The town is jolted out of a case of the doldrums when Chef suddenly reappears. While Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman are thrilled to have their old friend back, they notice that something about chef seems different. When Chef’s strange behavior starts getting him in trouble, the boys pull out all the stops to save him".

So far so good. My suggestion is to wait until the climax of the episode, dress Chef in an orange parka, and then let the creative synergy finish him off. Chef is a fat-ass, it's sure to be a bloody (read: memorable) one.

"This is gonna get worse before it gets better"

Kenny Hotz Koffee Kup

Kenny Hotz T-Shirt Graphic

Use hand to enlarge.

Plaut

"Ghost"

Short film2

author's note: in an effort for clarity, some non-standard formatting is used in this short. email me for the 'film ready' version.


INT. NEWS STUDIO - NIGHT

A female ANCHOR turns to the camera.

ANCHOR
Commuters in the city this morning were
surprised to discover that every square inch
of road surface is now already occupied by a
vehicle. Traffic engineers inform us that transport
by car, truck, or bus is now impossible, given this
new road condition called "total grid-death". For
more into this development, we turn to some
asshole and his report.

CUT TO:

EXT. ROAD - DAY

A JOURNALIST, youngish and professional, walks between gridlocked traffic.

JOURNALIST

For years traffic volume has been building
in the city.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM - DAY

An idling car is just outside the open door of the bathroom, in the background of a girl who brushes her teeth. The driver honks in exasperation at the apparent wait. The girl sighs.

JOURNALIST

(voice over)

Bringing with it accidents...

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET - DAY

Many cars converge on an accident in an intersection, pulverizing the mass of twisted metal from every possible angle.

CUT TO:

EXT. SIDEWALK CAFE - DAY

JOURNALIST
(voice over)

Pollution...

An old man in a wheelchair has his fedora hat blown off by bus exhaust at gale force winds. He angrily swats at the bus with his cane.

CUT TO:

EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY

JOURNALIST

(voice over)

And newshour indepth coverage.

A man refuses a request for an interview. The journalist hits him once over the head with the mic. The man still refuses.

CUT TO:

INT. TV STUDIO - NIGHT

The field journalist stands on the other side of the studio from the newsdesk.

JOURNALIST

But everyone has been affected in some way.

He gets hit by a car, then gets up and brushes himself off.

JOURNALIST

Which became clear today. Ashley?

ANCHOR

Gene, can't tow trucks be used to clear a path,

at least for emergency vehicles?

JOURNALIST

Unfortunately not. After all, the tow vehicles must

also use the roads, do they not? The only attractive

solution is to use bomber aircraft to destroy every

vehicle on the ground into very fine sediment,

then start over.

ANCHOR

With what?

JOURNALIST

Well, bicycles are ideal. They are clean, efficient
and good exercise. However, as for me, I have a

family to look after, what with all the crazy
bicyclists soon to hit the road. I intend on buying
a Cadillac SUV with twenty-four inch rims and
a V-eight turbo diesel.

The journalist pulls out a brass, spinner medallion on a chain from underneath his shirt. He gives it a spin.

JOURNALIST

Peace out, bitches.

Fish

This illustration is my contribution to what is occasionally known as the fish wars. I felt that all the parties involved in said war advocate a position that is not my own. Then I discovered I have no position on the issue. So I decided to draw a variation on the common Ichthys symbol to demonstate as much.

The Ahoy Fish doesn't have a message to convey. It just wants to wear its Greek fisherman's cap and smoke its pipe. I could claim it to be the Nihilists' or the Agnosticists' contribution to the debate, but then, "the less a man makes declarative statements, the less apt he is to look foolish in retrospect".

Election

Short film 1

EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET - DAY

Untended chaos. Out-of-control cars, some airborne, drift into and out of frame.

A JWoman pushing a baby stroller runs from a chainsaw-wielding maniac.

A man covered with a garbage can runs down the traffic median, stops suddenly, throws panicked looks in different directions, then runs across the road.

Through all of this sits a young female cabdriver, parked in a cab stand at the roadside, despondent. She has a provocative uniform for a cabdriver, and sits in an nostalgia taxi with wide, bulky bodywork.

A recorded VOICE from the 1980s pipes up.

THE VOICE
(v.o.)
Looks like another crummy day, huh Sandy?

SANDY nods.

THE VOICE
(v.o.)
Wouldn't it be nice for a change, if those
pharmaceutical companies came up with an
anti-depressant that works?

SANDY
You said it mister.

INT. LAB - DAY

A middle-aged SCIENTIST in a lab coat walks past scientific instruments and potions. His voice is different from the announcer's. He looks to the camera.

SCIENTIST
We feel your pain Sandy, which is why we've
developed Phallex, a new three and a half pound
suppository to ease the pain of depression.

INT. CLINIC - DAY

Sandy and the Scientist make their way down a hallway towards the bathroom. They converse inaudibly.

SCIENTITS
(v.o.)
Taken anally once a day, Phallex's unique delivery
mechanism causes a quick release of endorphins...

Sandy walks in the bathroom.

...changing your mood and letting some sun in on those
mid-town blues.

Sandy moans loudly from behind the bathroom door.

The doctor checks off a box on his clipboard with a smile.

INT. CLINIC LOBBY - DAY

Sandy and the Scientist walk toward the counter while a gently smiling RECEPTIONIST listens in. Sandy walks with a slight limp.

SANDY
Say, doc, how long do I have to leave it up there?

SCIENTIST
Don't worry about that, it'll be completely absorbed
in about ten minutes.

SANDY
Thanks doc.

Sandy turns to leave the office. The scientist makes a note on the counter, then remembers something.

SCIENTIST
Oh, and Sandy, take your lunch hour before
going back to your taxi, and stay close to the
toilet. I think we just added a few extra
lanes to that bottleneck.

The scientist and the receptionist share a laugh. Sandy leaves, embarrased.

The frame darkens while a vertically scrolling list of possible side-effects appear.

THE VOICE
(v.o.)
Warning, Phallex may cause temporary side-effects
that include: bow-leggedness, opera singing, santorum,
more santorum, okay, that's enough, just get in the
shower, a general feeling of pain in the ass, wrist
limpening. If you experience any of these symptoms...

The list keeps scrolling, adding "attraction to rainbows".

THE VOICE
(v.o.)
... Consult your local alternative bookstore.

Caricature

Rejected catchphrase for "The Apprentice: Martha Stewart"

Breakthrough

Engineers announce breakthrough in vehicle safety

Associated Guess - Thu Oct 6, 12:49 P.M. PT

LOS ANGELES - Engineers held a press conference today at the regional headquaters of General Rotors to herald the discovery of an unknown vehicle safety apparatus, apparently already built into all motor vehicles. The mysterious "turn signal" is a short, movable plastic component, built into the steering column of the common vehicle. As of press time, initial lab tests reported that the activation of the turn signal, or "Coachman's Indicator" (U.K.), causes a blinking bulb on the desired side of the vehicle to flash, fore and aft, demonstrating driver intent to other vehicles sharing the road.

"Although mind-to-mind telepathic messages are sufficient to communicate with the other drivers, this new component can only serve to increase the efficiency of the car to new, ideal, and perfectable level" commented engineer Hans Reichpire through a thick German accent.

Reaction on the street was mixed, with some drivers congratulating the industry on the discovery, while others expressed doubt.

"I mean, in theory it's great" said Julia Andrews, calling in from her mobile phone on Interstate 12.

"But I don't see why-" she continued until cut off by loud, hollow bang. The line went dead a few seconds later.

Emergency crews arrived at the scene a few minutes later, but expressed existential indifference when asked to revive the patient.